writing

Recently I’ve been engaged in translating and revising some work I wrote over a decade ago, as well as re-writing and revising some more recent work. As I did that, I’ve noticed my skills with dialogue have improved over the years, as well as my pleasure in writing and reading them. So, here are a few observations on dialogue that helped me develop the way I do it.

Let me start with an example I made up just now. Imagine two characters running a military ship that encounters a strange submarine in a coastal setting. Character X may say to Y:

X: ”Look, it’s a submarine.”

Y: “It is. What should we do?”

X: “Maybe it’s best if we go into that river mouth over there.”

Y: “Alright.”

X: “Turn to starboard.”

Y: “Turning to starboard. Look, the submarine is turning as well.”

This is not necessarily bad dialogue, but it’s blunt and flat, so it can be refined and improved. We can analyze it in Beats. A Beat means a turn in the dialogue, a set of lines. In my view the dialogue above has three beats: Beat 1 – Line 1; Beat 2 – Lines 2,3 and 4; Beat 3 – Lines 5 and 6. I think that sometimes, increasing the number of beats can sophisticate the dialogue and make it more believable and useful. Remember that dialogues are very good for ‘show, don’t tell’. Here are some ideas and observations. What if the dialogue is this instead:

Beat 1 – X: “My brother likes caramels, so I saw these incredible Irish caramels, just there in that store and I decided to buy them for him, but he just put new teeth braces so I’m not sure it’s wise. What do you think?”

Observation 1 – I find that, many times, when people interact and are surprised by a situation, they are already engaged in something else, often other dialogue, so starting with unrelated matters makes the situation both more human and more credible.

Beat 2 – Y: “What’s that? Is that a submarine?”

Observation 2 – I also think that many times we tend in common situations not to respond directly to one another’s questions, we even ignore them casually, and beats flow from one to the other seeming not to close. We don’t need to know about X’s brother. The submarine just appeared.

Beat 3 – X: “Better go into the river. Turn starboard.”

Observation 3 – Orally, we often don’t say the whole sentence or the whole idea. We expect other people to fill in the blanks, to know what we are talking about. Readers will do that as well. So I try not to underestimate the reader. I go into the next action without explaining it.

Beat 4 – Y: “Turning starboard. It’s following.”

Observation 4 – The action is shown in the reaction. I don’t need to explain what’s going on, the simple reaction will show it. This way, I’ve shortened the beats and made the dialogue simple, but at the same time more complex, and more sophisticated. Here’s the finished product:

X: “My brother likes caramels, so I saw these incredible Irish caramels, just there in that store and I decided to buy them for him, but he just put on new teeth braces so I’m not sure it’s wise. What do you think?”

Y: “What’s that? Is that a submarine?”

X: “Better go into the river. Turn starboard.”

Y: “Turning starboard. It’s following.”

I like this dialogue better than the original, how about you? And with four lines instead of six. I may write some descriptions between the dialogue lines to make it tighter, but still, this dynamic seems to work much better in my view.

Here’s a recent scene I wrote for my WIP. It’s an introductory scene – it’s the first time we meet these characters and this setting, and we don’t know anything about them or who they are. See if you like it as well as I do, and if you like the dialogue.

Forrest Monroe fixed his tie as he looked around the dark empty bar until he found what he was looking for. The girl was sitting in a corner, leaning against the wall, probably sleeping. She was impeccably dressed, as they always were. She wore a pilot’s leather jacket, expensive jeans, a long white shirt that went all the way to her knees, and excellent colorful sneakers that rested on a chair. Her hair was blue, and she had Ray Ban dark glasses hiding her closed eyes. Because that was Eddie.

“Hey,” he said, approaching her. “Edwina.”

She slowly woke up, sat up, put her feet on the ground. “Don’t call me that.”

Forrest sat and smiled. “You know I’m deeply in love with you, don’t you?”

Eddie sniffed and looked at her empty almost empty glass. She took off her shades and drank the last of her whisky. “I don’t like men and I despise you.”

“We all have our faults,” Forrest smiled. He pointed at her glass. “Isn’t it early, even for you?”

“Early where?”

Forrest smiled even more. “How’s Jen?”

Eddie sighed. “She never wants to see you again, if that’s what you’re asking. New year, same answer.”

Forrest raised his shoulders and took a vape machine out of his pocket, puffing on it. “So. What do you want?”

Eddie leaned back, with her hands on her jacket’s pockets. “I want the positions of the American carrier groups in the Pacific.”

Forrest coughed, choking. He took a bit to recover. He looked at Eddie’s relentless eyes. “Are you serious? That is seriously classified.”

Eddie nodded. “And as you’re at it, how about the positions of the Japanese military ships and the Chinese as well?”

Forrest sat back and blinked. Finally, he said, “Those are harder. I’m not sure we can get those. Are you sure you need those too?”

Eddie raised her shoulders. “My father doesn’t usually ask these things on a whim, Monroe. I’m guessing… yes?”

Forrest sighed. “What is the timeframe? Past? Present? And how long do we have?”

“Future. We have a few weeks, but after that, we’ll need it at a moment’s notice. Let’s say, access for a couple of years.”

Forrest blinked more, even faster. “You must be crazy. How the hell can I give you that?”

Eddie opened her hands. “Well… Figure it out.”

Forrest sighed again. “I’ll need authorizations. I need clearance. I…”

Eddie nodded as she got up. “Ask and you shall receive. I think this is important stuff, Monroe. So, put your little grey cells to work and find a tiny weeny idea somewhere in there. You can do it!” She put a 20-dollar bill on the table. “You’ll get all the clearance you want, but this must be good. One phone call, or one keystroke, and we get it.”

“I’ll try, but…”

“And if you don’t succeed, try and try again.”

Forrest smiled, looking at her from top to bottom. “You’re so sexy, Eddie. Almost as sexy as your sister. How about that night we had together? It was good, hein?”

Eddie sighed and put her dark glasses on her head. “Both good and gross. Probably because I was intoxicated.”

“Care to repeat it?”

“I rather wipe the floor of this bar with my tongue.”

“Tell Jen I say hi, will you?”

She turned around and walked away. “Absolutely not.”

I really had fun with this scene. Here are a few observations about it.

[Beat 1] “Hey,” he said, approaching her. “Edwina.”

She slowly woke up, sat up, put her feet on the ground. “Don’t call me that.”

Observation – I wanted readers to immediately see the characters knew each other well and that their relationship was informal. I also wanted to show that Eddie is not a pushover. Two sentences are enough.

[Beat 2] Forrest sat and smiled. “You know I’m deeply in love with you, don’t you?”

Eddie sniffed and looked at her empty almost empty glass. She took off her shades and drank the last of her whisky. “I don’t like men and I despise you.”

“We all have our faults,” Forrest smiled.

Observation – See that Forrest ignores her early remark. He is immediately flirtatious. And that gives me the opportunity to show Eddie is a lesbian.

[Beat 3] He pointed at her glass. “Isn’t it early, even for you?”

“Early where?”

Observation – So Eddie is a party girl. She probably has a hangover.

[Beat 4] Forrest smiled even more. “How’s Jen?”

Eddie sighed. “She never wants to see you again, if that’s what you’re asking. New year, same answer.”

Observation – We don’t know who Jen is. She’ll be an important character later on and this seemed a good moment to foreshadow it. And if Eddie is a sexy interesting character, Jen will be even more so, as Forrest is in love with her, maybe even dated her, but been rejected. Jen already became someone with a will of her one. With one two-line beat.

[Beat 5] Forrest raised his shoulders and took a vape machine out of his pocket, puffing on it. “So. What do you want?”

Eddie leaned back, with her hands on her jacket’s pockets. “I want the positions of the American carrier groups in the Pacific.”

Forrest coughed, choking. He took a bit to recover. He looked at Eddie’s relentless eyes. “Are you serious? That is seriously classified.”

Eddie nodded. “And as you’re at it, how about the positions of the Japanese military ships and the Chinese as well?”

Forrest sat back and blinked. Finally, he said, “Those are harder. I’m not sure we can get those. Are you sure you need those too?”

Eddie raised her shoulders. “My father doesn’t usually ask these things on a whim, Monroe. I’m guessing… yes?”

Observation – So here is the core of the scene. The whole scene is here so we get this information. That this organization led by Eddie’s father is looking for the very sensitive information of the location of America, Japanese, and Chinese fleets in the Pacific. Forrest exists just to get this.

[Beat 6] Forrest sighed. “What is the timeframe? Past? Present? And how long do we have?”

“Future. We have a few weeks, but after that we’ll need it at a moment’s notice. Let’s say, access for a couple of years.”

Forrest blinked more, even faster. “You must be crazy. How the hell can I give you that?”

Eddie opened her hands. “Well… Figure it out.”

Observation – More info on the request, about timeframe.

[Beat 7] Forrest sighed again. “I’ll need authorizations. I need clearance. I…”

Eddie nodded as she got up. “Ask and you shall receive. I think this is important stuff, Monroe. So, put your little grey cells to work and find a tiny whiney idea somewhere in there. You can do it!” She put a 20-dollar bill on the table. “You’ll get all the clearance you want, but this must be good. One phone call, or one keystroke, and we get it.”

“I’ll try, but…”

“And if you don’t succeed, try and try again.”

Observation – This shows how powerful Eddie’s organization must be. Forrest is probably some Government official (we will later find out he is exactly that), but it’s Eddie’s organization that can get him clearance for the very confidential information that is asked. So, they are powerful.

[Beat 8] Forrest smiled, looking at her from top to bottom. “You’re so sexy, Eddie. Almost as sexy as your sister. How about that night we had together? It was good, hein?”

Eddie sighed and put her dark glasses on her head. “Both good and gross. Probably because I was intoxicated.”

“Care to repeat it?”

“I rather wipe the floor of this bar with my tongue.”

Observation – This establishes a few more things, or confirms them. Eddie is a party girl, probably a bohemian, not proud of everything she does. She is sexy, but Jen is even sexier – now we really want to meet her. And Jen is Eddie’s sister, also the daughter of a very powerful man. Good to know. Forrest’s first line here is incredibly useful. It says a lot of things.

[Beat 9]“Tell Jen I say hi, will you?”

She turned around and walked away. “Absolutely not.”

Observation – I love this beat. First, I think it works perfectly as the end of the scene. It also shows how low Forrest is and how unlikely he is to ever touch the sisters again. They may have enjoyed his company once, but he’s not welcome anymore. Also, see how I put the action before Eddie’s line? That punctuates her last sentence, which closes the scene.

Hope you enjoyed the scene and the observations, and that this is useful to you. I had a lot of fun with this. See you around the campfire, fellow writers.

A few years ago, I thought I was lazy. I just didn’t feel like doing things. I procrastinated and wallowed and immersed myself in swamps of sighs. That affected pretty much all aspects of my life, including my work and my writing. Then my therapist just said to me: ‘Laziness? I don’t know what that is.’ And that was so enlightening. What is laziness? Not wanting to work? Not wanting to be bothered? Lack of energy? Well, work, as McGregor told us long ago, is as natural to adults as playing is to children. When we’re out of work we are frequently depressed, we feel low self-esteem, we feel useless and worthless. So what is laziness if not demotivation?

Some time back I worked as a business consultant and worked with a myriad of organizations. I stumbled naturally upon what I call the School of Motivation in these companies. What is the ‘School of Motivation’? It’s that way of thought that argues leaders should ‘motivate’ their employees. They should do it by being positive and encouraging, and promoting all kinds of ‘motivating’ events – ‘team building’ events, as many call them. The expectation is that people will feel happy and engaged and part of something great. I’ve seen companies paying millions of euros creating all kinds of these events, from parties for thousands of people to tree-climbing and paintball weekends. Supposedly, people will come to work on Monday feeling appreciated and… wait for it… motivated. I wouldn’t say all this is complete bullshit but it is way overrated. As far as I’m concerned, if a leader or an organization must ‘motivate’ their employees to work, or work better, then something is already very wrong.

As we worked with dozens of companies and groups, my colleague Carlos Pina and I slowly developed a theory on the subject. For us, Motivation to invest work and effort in any task depends on three basic things. We call it the Motivation Triangle.

First of all, Motivation depends on a sense of Meaning. If the task or goal has Meaning to us, if it feels important to us, if it fulfills us, if it makes us happy and proud, then we will feel motivated to work for it. This meaning can be something as pragmatic as having a paycheck or feeding our children, or something material. I worked with a restaurant chain who said some employees came to work to pay for the tires of their motorcycle and as soon as they’d done that, they’d simply disappear. But this may not be enough. The consultants I hired for my team always had a talk with me at the beginning of their contracts about what were their goals as they came to work for me. Some would say they wanted to learn, some wanted a step up in their careers, some wanted stability. Whatever it was I made sure I and the organization would help them in their goals before I asked them to help us in our goals. But there are also people who are looking for fulfillment – a sense of pride and joy in their work. Or to belong to a company that stands for something. Or work for the community.

You would be surprised by the number of people who work in organizations who will get depressed if you ask them where they see themselves in five years. They get depressed because they don’t like their lives and they suddenly understand these will not change for the better. They just go through the motions every day not knowing how to do something else. How would these people be motivated?

As far as writing is concerned, you can always ask yourself why are you writing this or that book, why are you writing this or that story – what does it mean to you? Or why are you writing at all?

A second pillar of the Motivation Triangle is Participation. This means you must feel your actions, your effort, your work will influence the outcome. You would be surprised how many people in organizations feel their work and their opinions and their investment counts for nothing. It could be nobody pays attention to them, or that the task they execute seems worthless, but it could also be a persistent sense of failure – as if whatever they do they will never succeed, they will never achieve their personal goal, that thing that gives Meaning to their effort. Maybe they even tried once, but people demeaned them, or they failed to have an impact. Or something needed much more effort than firstly estimated. So, they give up and become thoughtless machines, doing the bare minimum every day.

This also happens in writing. People in general underestimate the time and effort needed to put in writing the wonderful things they imagined in their heads. They underestimate the difficulties of communication and how to render to the readers the feeling they have. So they give up. Or they wallow and procrastinate endlessly.

Connected to these two concepts in the Motivation Triangle comes the third pillar: Confidence/Trust. In Portuguese, the word ‘Confiança’ entails both these concepts – we have the same word for Confidence and for Trust. Confidence is part of what allows for Participation: the feeling that you matter, that you can do what must be done, that you will be able to succeed. But many times, that only happens when you trust the ones around you, and/or your organization. For you to be motivated you must feel that the system around you is not boycotting you. That the people you need are trustworthy and will in fact help you. That you are not constantly fighting obstacles that don’t need to be there. That others will do what they have to do for everything to work for everyone.

Years ago, I read a book by Howard Gardner on the development of genius. He analyzed the lives of the likes of Einstein, Freud, Picasso, et.al. He concluded these geniuses wouldn’t have been able to change the world if not for the people around them. Through the difficult years when they developed their wonderful skills, they wouldn’t have succeeded if not for the emotional support they got. And we all need this emotional support, but also, many times, logistical support to handle our children or our elderly parents, financial support to handle our obligations, political support to promote our ideas in an organization – whatever. We are not islands, and we definitely need others if we are to achieve all our potential. And for that we need to trust as well as to have confidence.

These are the three pillars of the Motivation Triangle: Meaning, Participation and Confidence/Trust. They work in organizations and in other areas of our lives, as in writing. There’s no point in artificially ‘motivating’ others. Each of us must motivate ourselves as we discover what moves us and what makes us tic. We can help each other, we can understand one another, and support one another, but we cannot ‘motivate’ others. The kind of motivation that comes with grand speeches and ‘let’s go get them’ rants is very short-lived and shallow.

Each of the novels I wrote became more consistent and easier to write once I found their Meaning. THE ALEX 9 SAGA, for instance, is about finding a family when it seems impossible. So it’s about Family. And THE DARK SEA WAR CHRONICLES is about Sacrifice and Endurance – about how ‘getting going’ is sometimes the only thing you can do. Understanding your theme and your message is central to good writing, in my view.

And I also always tried to get better and improve my writing. Sometimes I read what I write, and I have to remind myself that what I don’t like I can actually change. I am the damn writer, after all. It’s what I do that makes a difference. And I can always do better.

Finally, I need to feel I’m any good. And for that, I engage with others. I listen to others’ opinions. I ask for help and depend on people I trust. That allows me to go on and build my resilience.

And that’s my two cents for now. See you around the next campfire, my friends.

Hyperjumping

by Bruno Martins Soares

How To Refine Your Lines – Recent Dialogue Observations

On Motivation: From Laziness to Engagement